I am not who I think I am

By Torsten


April 10, 2018

I am what I do. And currently I feel the least authentic to my soul for as long as I can remember. I am not doing what I feel like doing. Well, I’m in Cartagena learning Spanish and helping my friend Pablo with his new hostel. And yes, that’s totally aligned with my dreams and goals for 2018. Nevertheless, something is different. I am different. The person I have become, the person I have created, to fit into the world of big money in crypto, is not who I am. And even though I know that I’ve created this side to be able to bridge these worlds, I still feel I’ve given up an important part of who I am. Given up sounds harsh, lets say I paused it. Because I believe I can reactivate it in short time, just by being in the right environment again. Nevertheless this keeps pushing me. It’s not a space I enjoy being in. I feel fake in some way. Stupidly I feel mostly fake because of the clothes I’m wearing now. To clarify this, I went shopping in Cape Town before I left for this trip and basically changed my entire wardrobe including my bag, my home. So now I’ve all this good looking stuff that I actually don’t feel like wearing here. It’s appropriate for the crypto scene, though even for that I had to realize that being authentic would’ve been the right way to do it. Looking at Brock and everyone around him, I felt stupid that I changed myself to fit in and now actually did not fit in anymore.

Apart from this very superficial bullshit thats going on in my mind, I’m also struggling with my drive. What the heck am I really doing. I totally miss my family in Kenya, life in Africa. It’s where I feel I belong. Where I feel home. And where I feel fulfilled.

Question here is, why do I constantly have to feel meaningful? Can I not just be? Just be.

Theres a time for everything. And right now it’s time to enjoy. I am in Cartagena, in Colombia. And I’m learning Spanish. I mean really… that alone is ticking several of my goals. It’s my first time in South America. And all I do is thinking about leaving. Dafuk, really. Time to get my shit together. I love Africa. Yes. And I love Kenya. And I deeply love our Korando family. But right it’s time to realized where I am and what I can be grateful for. Just the fact that I have the opportunity to be here. To experience this life.

Stop living in the future or the past. Right now it’s time to live in the moment. Stop wasting time overthinking the future, missing out on the present. Life is to be lived.

loVe xx

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